During the first few days of your passing it was the toughest for me. I cried so much that I never thought I will. The pain was so immense that its beyond words to describe. However the worst was regretting not spending enough time with you during your last few months with us as I was buried by work and spend my time gallivanting with close friends instead.. This guilt ridden conscious will always haunt me.
Recalling the old times with you bringing me up just deepens the pain in me. Always playing that role when mum is busy with work. Especially those times where we cooked meals together, when you handed me my pocket money, the times we watched your Hongkong Dramas together, me woken up by your loud voice, times where we worked our butts off at our coffee stall in the hawker center or buying meals for you and those bickering sessions that we have. All these juz keep repeating itself like movie scenes in my mind.
Staying with me under the same roof for 27 year and seeing you everyday, the house without your voice or the empty room without you or even that empty sofa chair just seem so foreign to me. Your scent still lingers on the pillow you sleep on, your fave clothes, your medication and so many things reminds me of you. I really miss those times where I hold your hands every now and then, if I could wish for something I juz wanna hold them once again and tell you those things that I never did.
Nonetheless I'll be strong and your unconditional love for us will always reminds us how much you have put in and sacrifice for this family. The only relieve for us is that you no longer need to suffer the pain of dialysis that you have bared for the past 14-15 years and living to the age of 83 and with 5 loving children and 12 grandchildren that misses you deeply I'm sure you leave us without any regrets.
** If I seem distant, baby I am **
Words are like scissors, in your hands
And there's no script to follow, so I just close my eyes
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye
I feel just like an actress, up on the stage
I can't believe, what I'm hearing myself say
And a porch light is my spotlight, so I play along with this lie
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye
Did you ever love me? Does it even matter?
Did you even notice, the whole word shatter?
I just want to hold you, and tell you that I'm sorry
But I just keep it all inside
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye
My heart feels like a circus It's too much to take in
It's hard to lose a love But you were my best friend
So walk this high wire, alone tonight
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye
Words are like scissors, in your hands
And there's no script to follow, so I just close my eyes
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye
I feel just like an actress, up on the stage
I can't believe, what I'm hearing myself say
And a porch light is my spotlight, so I play along with this lie
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye
Did you ever love me? Does it even matter?
Did you even notice, the whole word shatter?
I just want to hold you, and tell you that I'm sorry
But I just keep it all inside
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye
My heart feels like a circus It's too much to take in
It's hard to lose a love But you were my best friend
So walk this high wire, alone tonight
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye
That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye
That last look you had was so benevolent and peaceful hence I really hope and believe that right now you are at a place that you belong to and knowing you, you'll always be watching over us and be our guardian angel. Love you and will always miss you..
From your beloved grandson
